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General Ways to Piss People Off
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Skip rather than walk as often as possible. Ask people to prove everything they say. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the" Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.' Try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them. Disagree with everything anybody says. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt. Go to McDonalds and ask for a Whopper (or go into Burger King and ask for a Big Mac) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." Use made-up words and see if people play along to avoid looking stupid Make appointments for the 31st of September Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking. Dont break eye contact when speaking or listening Pretend you are invisible. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining. Borrow a book with a surprise ending from the library and write how it ends on the first page
As a Passenger in the Car
All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal. Grab the dashboard or door handle and yell "Whoa!" If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will. Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn" and for a right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn". When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!" Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan. While Driving If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child. Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times. Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers. On the freeway, drive 50 and stay in the left lane You always have the right of way.
On the Subway (you know... when you go to New York or whatever)
Sing songs. Start a round with everyone on the train. Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Start a game of poker. Extra points if it's strip poker.
Start a game of tag. Start a game of twister. (extra points for strip Twister) Ring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining. Make them wonder where it all came from. Juggle eggs and/or knives Play an accordion for money. Make people pay you to stop. Use pennies in the turnstile.
At the Pool
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. Ask an attractive lifeguard if they want to practice CPR on you. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. Play Marco-Polo by yourself. Throw people's towels into the pool.
How to Be Sure That You Won't Get a Job
While shaking hands start a heated thumb wrestling match. Sometime during the interview, frown and sniff suspiciously, ask the boss if he or she farted. Pick your nose and wipe contents underneath the lip of your interviewers desk. Demand that if hired you want desk plate that reads, "Big Kahuna." Comment on how much you like your interviewer’s spouse’s picture, then take it and put it in your briefcase. As you reach inside your briefcase pull out a sock puppet, introduce him as "Socko" and harass your interviewer with it. During the interview reach over and grab at your interviewer’s face and say, "Got your nose" while clenching your fist, demand that you get hired or you won’t give back their nose. Announce that you are committing a hostile take over of the company, fire your interviewer.
How to Annoy a Damnyankee
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady” Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
At the Movies
Clap when the good guy gets killed. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding. See the movie twice, and the second time, yell out what is going to happen Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!" Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes. Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking. Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
How to Annoy a Date (though why you'd want to, i do not know)
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" Beg your date to tattoo your name on their ass. Keep bringing the subject up. Ask your date how much money they have with them. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu and only take one bite
At the Bowling Alley
Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers Rent all the lanes, don't bowl. When someone is on their backswing, race up and take his ball and run Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Run around sprinkling "magic fairy dust" on everyone's balls. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance Fee, advertise it well, make the 3rd Prize ,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize ,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave afterwards.
At the Mall
At the bottom of an escalator, scream “My SHOELACES! AAAGH!” If CDs are really expensive, ask the salesperson if the prices are in pesos or rubles Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?” Test mattresses in your pajamas. stare intently into a surveillance camera while rocking from side to side In the changing rooms, say “I see London, I see France...” Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the store taking two-inch steps. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.” Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun!
On the Phone
Answer questions with questions
Change your accent every three seconds.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
Put your friends on hold, they love that
Say "Remember, we never had this conversation." and hang up right away
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost!" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town!"
In the Drive-Thru Window
Specify that your order is to go Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. Order "a large orange Coke and a small medium fries" or something similar In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food. Drive through with a car load of naked people. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. When they repeat your order, change it a little bit every time and finally say "you just don't get it do you?" and drive off.
In the Computer lab
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. Every time something is loading, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Ways to Get on Santa's "Naughty" List
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
When You Get Pulled Over, Say
Bad cop! No doughnut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
On an Airplane
Call the stewardess "nurse". Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't" Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!" No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni Pretend you're flying the plane (use sounds effects if necessary) Start singing the Lamb Chops Play Along theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
When Ordering a Pizza Over the Phone (Or Harassing the Delivery Guy)
Ask for extra homo-sapien Ask to see a menu Ask what the order taker is wearing. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Spell out the names of the ingredients instead of saying them. Order the pizza shaken, not stirred Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
At the Office
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone each Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Squish” and hang up. repeat if necessary. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At Disneyland (or Thrillville for us po'folks)
Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money At the top of the tallest ride, take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth Advertise for a theme park...one you're not at Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer." Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero."
At the Beach
If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!" Run through other people's family pictures or snapshots Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos. Yell "SHARK!" and then ask the person nearest to you "Now how did that make you feel?" Get out a notebook and start writing Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, all while bobbing your head like you're listening to music Act like a sea gull. Ask the lifeguard (or anyone around you) if they know which way the nude section is
In An Elevator
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
Take a folding chair or a lawn chair and sit in it Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.” Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral Guard the button panel, growl and bark if anyone tries to touch it If anyone touches you, either yell "bad touch!" or whisper "was it good for you too?"
Open a lemonade stand Say "Ding!" at each floor Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide it. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off the elevator Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
At School
Write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers
Put chalk inside the blackboard erasers
Tape the end of a roll of toilet paper or paper towels to the top of the stairs, then kick it hard and RUN!
Switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild
On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it.
Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie" and Ben Franklin "Sparky"
Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual
When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the teacher notices
Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Mr./Mrs. Acting Like A Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your teacher as gifts. When you get a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the teacher.
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